Darkness of the Mind
by evil superman
Summary: A mission gone wrong effects John more than anyone realizes. PG13 just to be on the safe side.
1. Ambush

Title: Darkness of the mind.

Summary: A mission gone wrong effects John more than anyone realizes.

Paring: Hints of Sheppard/Weir.

Spoilers: Nothing really I don't think, but if there are, odds are if you blink you'll miss them.

Disclaimer: Stargate Atlantis is not mine. Only the story line and any made up characters that may or may not appear in the story belong to me.

A/N: Same story as before I just went back and fixed somethings that got missed during editing the first time.

Also Dr. Kate Heightmeyer is not an OC she is a character that will be appearing on the show in the future but that's all I know about the character.

* * *

_And we don't know why  
The innocent die  
Will this world ever find a way to change?  
And we don't know why  
But we know it's not right  
We don't know why so many had to die  
We don't know why so many had to die_

"The Innocent"  
Good Charlotte

Elizabeth stood in the infirmary watching over John as he laid in one of the infirmary beds fighting for his life. As far as Elizabeth was concerned John spent way too much time in the infirmary as it was, but this time it never even should have happened. The mission was supposed to have been a simple straight forward, walk in the park, but then again when did anything ever go as planed when John was involved?

On SGA-1's last mission Aiden had managed to break his arm in a small rockslide, so the team had been put on stand by. Teyla had gone to visit the Athosians on the mainland, Rodney had locked himself up in his lab, Aiden had milked up all the sympathy and attention he could get, and John, out of boredom, had bugged Elizabeth to the point where she had been ready to throw him through an incoming worm hole.

So when the chance came up for Elizabeth to get John off world for a few days she jumped at it. A few of the scientists had wanted to explore some ruins that had been found on a supposedly deserted planet and Elizabeth had seen that as the perfect excuse to get John out of her hair as well as a good way to give some of the junior military officers some more off world experience. Little had she known how wrong the mission was going to go.

The group couldn't have been gone for longer than an hour and a half to two hours before the Stargate activated again and John's IDC had been received. Everyone had watched as John half carried half dragged one of the scientists as well as a young Lt. through the gate and then collapse when they were all through. Elizabeth couldn't believe all the blood she saw covering the three and pooling on the gate room floor as she watched Carson and his team jump into action trying to save lives.

Unfortunately the Lt. had been dead on arrival, Carson estimated he must have died just before John pulled him through the gate, and the scientist had died shortly after arriving in the infirmary. Out of the eight people that had gone off world that day John had been the only one to make it out alive and that wasn't even a positive yet, there was still a chance he might not make it through the night.

* * *

It was almost two days before John started to come around. Hearing a slight moan come from John, Elizabeth tightened her grip on his hand a bit and motioned Carson over. Rushing over Carson checked all the machines that were helping to keep the major alive then stood back and watched along with Elizabeth, hoping this would be the time John woke up. 

Opening his eyes John was assaulted with the harsh bright light of the infirmary and immediately closed them, not attempting to open them again until after Carson had turned the lights down. Once he could get his eyes to stay open with out his head feeling like it was going to explode John was first greeted with the sight of Elizabeth's worried face followed by Carson's.

"Ahh what the hell was I drinking last night?" John moaned, as he tried to roll over onto his side only to discover how bad an idea that had been when his body was swamped by agonizing pain. Looking down he noticed the bandages on his side and all the wires that's when it all came rushing back; the mission, the ambush, the blood, the death.

"Easy there lad." Carson gently placed his hands on John's shoulders and stopped John trying to move. "I'm afraid you won't be doing much moving for the next few days."

"Major…John I know you're probably in a lot of pain right now, but I need you to tell me what happened." Elizabeth spoke after a moment.

"Ambush." Was, all John said.

"The Wraith?"

"No…I'm not sure who they were, but they definitely weren't the Wraith. They came out of nowhere. One minute every thing was fine then the next thing we know these guys are dropping out of the trees right on top of us. Captain Pak and Dr. Whitmore were the first to go down and I took a shoot in the side, Drs. Newmen and Wingfield along with Sgt. Taylor went down on our way back to the gate. Just as we got to the gate Lt. Brash, who'd been bring up the rear, went down and I ordered Dr. Porter to dial the gate then go through while I went back for Brash. After dialing Porter was about half way to the gate when he was hit, I grabbed him on my way to the gate and dragged the two through. Next thing I know I'm waking up here. How are they doing?"

The looks on Carson and Elizabeth's faces told John his answer: they hadn't made it.

Seeing the look of anguish on John's face Elizabeth decided it might be a good idea to give John some time alone to process every thing before continuing their conversation.

"Get some rest John, we can finish this later."

John didn't argue, he had a lot of thinking to do and didn't really feel like company at the moment, even if that company was Elizabeth's. Giving John's hand one last supportive squeeze Elizabeth walked out of the infirmary leaving John to his own thoughts.

_I open my eyes  
I try to see but I'm blinded  
By the white light  
I can't remember how  
I can't remember why  
I'm lying here tonight  
And I can't stand the pain  
And I can't make it go away  
No I can't stand the pain  
_

"Untitled"  
SIMPLE PLAN


	2. Shattered

_Everybody's screaming  
I try to make a sound  
But no one hears me  
I'm slipping off the edge  
I'm hanging by a thread  
I wanna start this over again  
So I try to hold onto  
A time when nothing mattered  
And I can't explain what happened  
And I can't erase the things that I've done  
No I can't  
_

"Untitled"  
SIMPLE PLAN

John covered in sweat and his chest heaving bolted up right in bed, his eyes darted around searching the darkness of his room for the killers that he'd been sure where there just moments before. But the room was empty just like every other time he'd woken up from a nightmare the last two weeks, since he'd been released from the infirmary.

Wiping the sweat off his face and running a hand through his hair John looked at his clock and noticed it was almost four in the morning. Thinking maybe a nice long run would help him clear his head and ware him out enough to sleep John tossed his covers aside, through on some sweat pants and a tank top, and left his room to go for a run around the lesser used areas of the city.

Spending the last two hours running hadn't helped John at all; in fact it just seemed to have made things worse. Running by himself and so early in the morning John hadn't had any thing to keep his mind from wandering back to that god awful mission two almost three weeks ago, where seven people, good innocent people, had died and even back to others who'd died like Sumner, Markham, and Gaul, as well as countless others.

He couldn't take any more, all the thoughts running through his head, the constant nightmares, they were all beginning to over whelm him. But the one thing that over whelmed him the most were the hundreds of different emotions that kept surfacing, especially the anger and despair.

Catching his reflection in the mirror, out of the corner of his eye, John turned to look at his reflection. John almost didn't recognize himself, his eyes were blood shot and had bags under them, his hair was messier than usual, he had a slight five o'clock shadow, but what really got him was the lost, broken look the eyes looking back at him held. Before he even had the chance to think about it John had put his fist through the mirror shattering it, just like he himself felt.

* * *

Elizabeth had spent the last hour or so in her office trying, unsuccessfully, to get some paper work done. A feeling that something was wrong had been nagging at her the last couple of weeks and she was positive it had something to do with John, but what she had no idea. John had seemed to be recovering just fine from his last mission, but Elizabeth just couldn't shake the feeling that there was something he wasn't telling her, or anyone else for that matter. 

Deciding that she wasn't going to get anything done until she assured herself that John was fine Elizabeth left her office heading for John's quarters. It was nearly six thirty so she knew he would be up, but rather he'd be in his room or not she didn't know but figured it the best place to start looking.

The closer she got to John's quarters the larger her feeling that something was wrong grew. Since there was hardly anyone up at this hour yet, Elizabeth didn't really care that she had almost been full out sprinting by the time she got to John's quarters. Approaching the door Elizabeth was surprised when it opened for her; John almost always locked his door even when he was in his room.

Stepping inside Elizabeth was shocked at the messy state of John's room. John wasn't necessarily neat and tidy but the room was messy even by his standards. His bed hadn't been made, there were cloths thrown around everywhere, books lying all over the place, his nightstand had been knocked over, the few pictures he'd had hanging up had been knocked down, it looked almost as if the place had been ransacked. Stepping farther into the room Elizabeth's heart stopped when she spotted the pile of broken glass that had once been John's mirror, some of the pieces covered with blood.

Blood running cold, Elizabeth flew out of the room in search of John, hoping beyond hope that John hadn't done anything rash and if he had that it wasn't too late to help him. Elizabeth briefly considered calling Carson, but decided against it not wanting to make a big deal out of things if she was just over reacting and John had a perfectly logical reason for the state his room was in.

* * *

Quickly eliminating all the likely places John might have been Elizabeth found herself standing outside the door that led to the balcony that over looked the north pier. Elizabeth remembered John once telling her that he liked to go there and think sometimes since it was quiet and he could think undisturbed because practically no one ever went to that part of the city. 

Elizabeth had run out of places to look and knew that if John wasn't here then she would have to contact Carson and possibly even Dr. Heightmeyer, Atlantis' resident psychologist. Opening the door Elizabeth was both relieved and horrified to find John on the other side.

John was sitting on the balcony railing leaning forward, the only thing keeping him from falling was the lose grip his hands, one of which was bloody and had chunks of glass embedded in it, had on the railing. Carefully entering the room not wanting to startle John and cause him to let go of the railing Elizabeth approached John, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder.

"John?"

When John didn't say anything Elizabeth began to get worried. She was about to call Carson when John finally spoke.

"I just wanna sleep." John whispered it so softly Elizabeth almost didn't hear him speak. "One night of clarity, blissful silence, just to escape it all."

Elizabeth wasn't sure what exactly John was talking about, but she knew what ever it was, was important to him.

"Talk to me, tell me what's going on, please John." Hearing the fear in Elizabeth's voice John didn't resist when she began gently pulling on his arm trying to get him off the railing and away from the edge, in more ways than one.

Looking John over carefully for any other injuries besides his hand Elizabeth got her first real good look at John for the first time in nearly two weeks. His shoulders were slumped, his eyes were blood shot and had bags under them, making Elizabeth understand John's sleep comment earlier somewhat better, he was ragged looking, hair all over the place, hadn't shaved recently, and his normally bright and mischievous filled gaze was dull and filled with horrors she didn't want to imagine, couldn't imagine.

Sitting them both down against the back wall near the door Elizabeth, holding on tight to John's hand silently reassuring him that she was there, that he wasn't alone, was willing to wait as long as it took for John to start talking. John knew that Elizabeth wasn't going anywhere and neither was he until he started talking, but he couldn't find the words. It was nearly half an hour before John finally just started talking not caring if it made any sense to Elizabeth or not.

"I can't escape it, no matter how hard I try it's always around me even when I was just a kid. It feels like it's stocking me, like it's the predator and I'm the prey. I just wish I could escape it even if only for one night. I don't think I can even remember a time when it wasn't always surrounding me, mocking me…" John trailed off, a far away look in his eyes; looking almost like he really was trying hard to remember something.

"What is it John? What can't you escape?" Elizabeth spoke for the first time since pulling John away from the balcony railing.

"Death." The emotionless way John said that one word made Elizabeth shudder. "I was eight I think when I first remember encountering death, the dog I'd had ever since I was born died. But I don't truly think I understood death until I was ten and my parents and sister were killed in a house fire, I probably would have died too if I hadn't been staying the night at a friend's house…" John trailed off again, this time to wipe a hand across his face. He was slightly surprised when it came back wet he hadn't even realized he'd started crying.

Elizabeth's heart was breaking, sure she'd read John's file and knew the basics about what had happened when he was younger, but to actually hear him telling it was something different all together.

"The next time was when I was seventeen and my grandfather passed away followed by my grandmother a year later. Of course by that time I was eighteen so I didn't have to worry about foster care, which is something I guess. I joined the military right out of high school, which in away I guess is kind of ironic for someone wanting to get away from death." Getting too over whelmed and choked up by all the emotions that were being stirred up John stopped talking and just sat silently waiting to hear what Elizabeth had to say.

"John if I hadn't come in when I did would you have let go?" Of all the things John had been expecting Elizabeth to say, that hadn't been one of them.

John opened his mouth to speak but just as quickly closed it. Would he have let go? He didn't know. It was a minute before he finally answered out loud.

"I don't know. That hadn't been my intention for coming up here, but…I can't honestly say no I wouldn't have."

At hearing this Elizabeth put her arms around John's shoulders and pulled him into what she hoped was comforting hug. She knew it was going to take more than just a hug to make things all right again for John, but it was a start. A moment later Elizabeth was surprised when John jerked away from her and pulled himself up on his feet starting to pace back and forth. After a few seconds Elizabeth stood as well but didn't move.

"So what happens now?" John turned to look Elizabeth straight in the eye.

"That's up to you. There's two choices, one you can keep going down the path you have been in which case I'll be forced to put you under 24/7 watch with little to no freedom, or two we find away to work you through this and get your life back on track." Elizabeth met John's gaze head on never flinching away.

"Does that me we can keep this whole thing between us?"

"I'm sorry John, but no this can't just stay between us."

"Well then I don't think I like option number two very well. Then again I don't like option number one very much either." John turned his back to Elizabeth and leaned against the balcony railing.

"John I know you may not like it, but it's the right thing to do. If not do it for yourself then do it for me please, I don't think, no scratch that I know, that I couldn't do this with out you and I don't just mean running Atlantis, I mean life. I care about you too much that's why I can't let what's happened today stay between us. It's just too big for me, and you for that matter, to handle alone." While Elizabeth had been talking she'd walked over to stand next to John and placed a caring hand on his lower back.

Staring off into the horizon John let out a loud sigh of defeat, sagging his shoulders. Knowing that was probably the closest thing to willingness she was going to get Elizabeth softly took John's uninjured hand and started pulling him towards the door.

"Where are you taking me?" John questioned once they where out in the corridor.

"Infirmary." John hesitated for a moment and Elizabeth saw fear and uncertainty flash across his face. "John you need to get your hand looked at." She pointed to his injured hand as they began walking again. John looked at the hand as if just noticing for the first time that it was bleeding and had glass in it. "And Carson as well as Dr. Heightmeyer need to know what's going on."

Again John hesitated, but only for a second before letting Elizabeth continue leading him to the infirmary. The rest of the trip was spent in silence and thankfully, even though it was well past time for everyone but the night watch to be awake, they didn't run into hardly anyone.

* * *

Entering the infirmary Elizabeth led John over to a bed towards the back of the room. Once she was positive John wasn't going to bolt on her, Elizabeth went to get the doctor. Returning with Carson in tow Elizabeth sat on the bed next to John and once again took a hold of his uninjured hand. 

"What the bloody hell happened to you, lad?" Carson asked when John held his hand out for the doctor to look at. Getting a good look at John, Carson swore he looked like death warmed over.

"Got into a fight with a mirror." Carson probably would have laughed at that if John hadn't said it with such a serious tone of voice and Elizabeth didn't have such a serious look on her face.

"I'll explain when you're done with his hand." Elizabeth promised, seeing Carson's raised eyebrow.

So thirty minutes later after several stitches and a mild sedative for John, Carson finally got his explanation. While Carson went in search of Dr. Heightmeyer, Elizabeth sat with John, one arm around his shoulders, hand gently running through his hair, until he fell into the first peaceful sleep he'd had in weeks. Elizabeth smiled at the content look on John's face and vowed that no matter what happened she was going to stay right by his side the whole way until he got better and even after that.

_And I need someone to help me,  
So you come along,  
I push you away,  
Then kick and scream for you to stay.  
Cuz I need someone to help me,  
Oh I need someone to help me,  
To help me heal these wounds,  
They've been open for way too long.  
Help me fill this soul,  
Even though this is not your fault._

"Wounded"  
GOOD CHARLOTTE


	3. First Step

A/N: I'm no psychologist; I've never even spoken with one (Not that I think there's anything wrong with them). I don't know much if anything about psychology if any of it is wrong or unbelievable I'm sorry. I tried to do some research but I'm not very good at that kind of thing.

* * *

_I'm lost here  
I can't make it on my own  
I don't wanna die alone  
I'm so scared  
Drowning now  
Reaching out  
Holding on to everything I know  
Crying out  
Dying now  
Need some help  
_"S.O.S."  
GOOD CHARLOTTE

The next morning when John began to wake up he knew immediately he was in the infirmary, he would know the sounds and smells of that place anywhere, he might not always know how he ended up there, but he definitely knew when he was there. As John's sleep fogged mind began to clear more he realized he wasn't alone, somebody else was sitting next to him on the bed.

Looking up John found himself staring straight into Elizabeth's eyes. John realized in that moment that he'd never noticed how mesmerizing the greenish color of Elizabeth's eyes could be before. It was kind of cute he thought. Mentally shaking his head John quickly steered his thoughts away from that avenue of thought.

"Good you're awake. How're you feeling?" John heard Elizabeth speaking but wasn't really paying attention; he was trying to figure out what she was doing there.

"Why are you still here?" John ignored Elizabeth's question. John remembered what Elizabeth had said out on the balcony about helping him, but he hadn't actually expected her to stick around and go through with it.

"I meant it yesterday when I told you I going to help you through what ever it is you're going through. Now will you please answer my question, how are you feeling?"

"Like I got hit by a semi-truck with a full load." Elizabeth couldn't help smiling, it was such a John response and it gave her hope. If John could sit around making jokes and wise cracks it meant there was still hope for him.

"I'm sure Carson can give you something for that, but first you have a visitor that would like to speak with you."

"The head doc?"

"Yes. Now I'll be right back and you'd better be here when I get back. No trying to escape."

"Yes ma'am." John gave Elizabeth a sloppy mock salute as she walked away.

Elizabeth was only gone for about five minutes before she reappeared with Carson and whom John assumed was Dr. Kate Heightmeyer in tow. While Carson gave John a quick look over Kate pulled up one of the various visitor's chairs that were around the infirmary and Elizabeth resumed her seat on the bed next to John. Finished with what he was doing Carson left the three alone.

"Hello John." Kate spoke after a moment. "Is it all right that I call you John? I know some people can be a little hesitant about a first name bases with their psychologist."

"Sure, why not? It was my name last I checked."

"Thank you, and you can feel free to call me Kate or Dr. Heightmeyer which ever you'd prefer."

"I think I'll leave and let you two talk." Elizabeth, thinking it was probably best to leave the two alone to talk, was about to leave when she felt John's grip on her hand tighten.

"John do you want Dr. Weir to stay?" The way John had Elizabeth's hand in a death grip hadn't gone unnoticed by Kate.

"Yeah…I…I mean…if…if that's ok." John, looking at Kate, stammered, and then turned his gaze towards Elizabeth. "But…but if you have… something else…to do…something more important…or if you don't…"

"John, of course I'll stay. I'll stay as long as you want me to, I said I'd help you through this and I mean it." Elizabeth stopped John from rambling on. It was a little disconcerting for Elizabeth; she'd never seen John this nervous and unsure of things before.

It was several minutes before anyone spoke again. Kate had learned that to a certain point it worked best to let the patient start and therefore lead the conversation in the direction they felt like taking it, it gave them a sense of control over things.

Elizabeth stayed silent as well, she may not have known anything about psychology aside from some basic things, but she, like Kate, knew it was probably best to let John set in motion and direct the conversation. Besides she was there to offer support to John and she didn't need to speak to do that.

John wasn't speaking because he was busy trying to think of away to bust himself out of the infirmary with the least amount of punishment to himself when he was finally caught. He was always caught in the end, it was never a matter of if, but when and John accepted that, not that he was ever happy about it.

"I want out of here, out of the infirmary." John, sitting up slightly, broke the silence. He figured what the heck, it couldn't hurt to use the direct approach.

"Do you really think that's such a good idea, John?" Kate replied in a gentle caring tone of voice.

"Yes, yes I do. I don't like being here, never have, never will." John was beginning to get tense and frustrated with this whole thing. He didn't need to be in the infirmary and he definitely didn't need therapy, he just wanted to be left alone. What had he been thinking agreeing to this?

"I figured as much from all the times you've tried escaping before you were officially released." Kate placed a reassuring hand on John's arm. "But John I really do honestly think this is the best place for you to be right now."

"You can't keep me here forever, you know? Plus how do plan on explaining me being in here after I just got released?"

"Easy, as far as anyone's concerned you're in here because despite Carson's best efforts you side wound developed a minor infection that needs to be taken care of." Elizabeth took the liberty of answering John this time.

"How about I make you a deal?" Kate offered, seeing the desolate look in John's eyes. "For the next few days you stay here in the infirmary and behave yourself, doing what the medical staff and I tell you, and we'll see about releasing you to your quarters. Sound like a deal?"

"Not like I have much of a choice." John sunk back into his pillow, feeling miserable about everything.

"John look at me." Kate gently tightened her hold on John's arm, waiting till he was looking her straight in the eyes. "You _always_ have a choice. I know it may not seem like it now because of you're depression, but you do have a choice. Always."

"Now wait a minute I'm not…"

"John listen to me when I say depression is _not_ a character flaw, nor is it simply feeling blue for a few days. Most importantly, depression is _not_ your fault. It is a serious mood disorder that affects a person's ability to function in every day activities. It affects one's work, one's family, and one's social life, but it is treatable with time."

"I know that but I still don't think that I'm…depressed." John spit the word depressed out venomously.

"If you're not depressed then what was yesterday all about?" Elizabeth cut in before John could really get started arguing with Kate. Elizabeth knew how stubborn John could be once he'd made up his mind.

"Ok fine _maybe_ I am a _little_ bit depressed." John conceded. If Elizabeth thought he was depressed them maybe he was in some way.

"Alright John I think that's enough for now. You get some rest and we'll talk later." Kate patted John's arm lightly then left.

Once Kate was gone Elizabeth, with a look somewhere between humorous and disbelief on her face, swatted John's shoulder a couple of times.

"Wha…hey no beating on the crazy man!" John playfully batted Elizabeth's hand away, a small cheeky grin on his face.

"Ok one you're not crazy, a little cracked maybe yes, but crazy no. And two you think you could have been any less cooperative?"

"Oh come on you know as well as I do if I hadn't acted the way I had, you'd be twice as worried about as you are now."

"Possibly yes, but seriously John, Kate's here to help it's her job so let her do it please for me."

"Yeah I know but…it's just…I…it's…but I…I just…"

"I know, I know."

* * *

True to her word Kate, with Carson's approval, let John leave the infirmary and return to his room after a few days. Arriving in his room John was surprised to find that someone had cleaned it up, the last time he'd seen it, it looked like a tornado had passed through. 

"You like what I did with the place?" Hearing Elizabeth's voice coming from behind him startled John slightly.

"Have you taken to theft in your off hours? Because some of my things seem to be missing." John had started to pace around his room taking a mental inventory of what exactly was there and what was missing.

Not a whole lot was missing just mostly breakable things like his picture frames (although he did note that the pictures that had been in the frames had been taken out and taped to the walls) what had been left of his mirror, a few little knick-knacks here and there and last the hand gun he always kept in his nightstand drawer.

"Kate and I went through here the other day cleaning the place up and …"

"Decided to take away anything I could hurt myself with." John stopped his pacing and stood looking out his window at the ocean.

"Just as a safety precaution John." Elizabeth moved over next to John by the window and gently wrapped one arm around his waist. "Believe it or not we're doing this because we care."

"Yeah I know. I may not like it but I know and whether or not I show it, I do appreciate it." John put his arm around Elizabeth's shoulders and pulled in to a half hug. "I just hate being in this whole situation. I want my life back to normal…or at least as normal as it can get living in another galaxy."

"And it will, but its not gonna happen over night, just give it some time."

_Don't give up fighting 'til nothing else stands in your way.  
Don't give up talking until there's nothing left to say  
But no matter what you do.  
Don't ever compromise what you believe_.  
"Losing Streak"  
ATARIS


	4. AWOL

_Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past  
Bringing back these memories  
I wish I didn't have  
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back  
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past_

"Easier To Run"  
LINKIN PARK

"Come in." Elizabeth, busy with paperwork, said absently when she heard a knock come from the general direction of her office door. It was probably just Peter with more paperwork anyway.

"Elizabeth have you seen John?" Kate stood leaning against Elizabeth's open doorway, arms folded and a worried look in her eyes.

"Not since last night at dinner, why?" Kate's question struck a cord of worry in Elizabeth and got her undivided attention.

"He was supposed to meet me in my office an hour ago but never showed up and he's not in his room." She held up her hand stalling whatever Elizabeth had been about to say, "And yes I checked with the members of his team and with Carson none of them have seen him, which means since he's not in my office he should be in his room since he knows he's not allowed to go anywhere but his room, the infirmary, or my office alone. You were my last shot."

It had been over a month since John had started visiting with Kate and in that entire time, up till now, he'd never missed or even been late for a single session. Sometimes he'd even sought her out to talk with out having a scheduled appointment. Also in the last month John had finally agreed to let his team in on some of the things that where going on. They didn't know every thing just that John had been taken off field duty due to some medical issues.

* * *

John didn't care that he was getting soaked because of the rain. It had been raining for the last two days none stop, but the scientists that kept an eye on the weather assured everyone that it was just your typical rainstorm, nothing to be worried about. 

John knew he was supposed to have been in Kate's office over an hour ago, but he just didn't seem to care, not after the dream he'd had last night. For the first time in a long time he hadn't had a nightmare but a good dream. He'd dreamt about something he barely even remembered having, his family as well as things he knew he was never going to have. It was those kinds of dreams that really got to him, he didn't have them often, but when he did it always left him feeling worse than if he'd had a nightmare.

Normally John would have gone to the balcony over looking the north pier to do his thinking and brooding, but he knew that, that would be the first place Elizabeth would direct the search for him when it was discovered he'd gone AWOL, which was why he'd holed himself up on the little roof top deck like thing – he refused to think of it as a balcony it just wasn't the right size or shape to be one in his opinion – near the end of the corridor his quarters were in.

* * *

It was well into the afternoon before Elizabeth found John; she'd looked everywhere she could think of that he might be, it'd even gotten to the point where she'd thought he might have found away to take one of the puddle jumpers with out being noticed, but when she'd checked the jumper bay all the jumpers had been accounted for. 

Elizabeth had been headed for John's quarters, hoping that maybe he might have shown up there since the last time she checked, when she passed the door that led out on to the little roof top deck as John called it and it hit her that she hadn't checked _all_ the places John might be. Quickly opening the door she was greeted with the still heavy down pore of rain and a soaked John, staring out at the ocean but not really seeing anything, sitting on the ground leaning back against where the railing and the wall met.

"John?" When Elizabeth got no answer she carefully walked over to where John was sitting and crouched down next to him, trying to make herself look as none threatening as she could.

"What do you say we go back inside? We're both getting soaked and it's freezing out here." Elizabeth knew John had to be freezing, she hadn't even been out there a few minutes and already she was freezing, who knew how long he'd been sitting there.

"How about you go back inside and leave me alone." John's statement was more of an order than a question. The words stung a bit, but the dead tone in John's voice shadowed any hurt Elizabeth might have felt.

"I can't do that John. We have to get you out of the rain and warmed up, you're liable to end up sick if you stay out here much longer and then Carson will literally have you chained down to one of the beds in the infirmary."

"Elizabeth I don't care, so go away."

"No not 'til you agree to come back inside with me." Elizabeth wasn't sure what had John acting the way he was, but she'd be damned if she was going to leave him alone.

"I don't want to go back inside. I _like_ it out here."

"I'm sure you do, but _I_ _do_ want to go back inside."

Knowing that their circular conversation wasn't getting them anywhere Elizabeth reached over, grabbed John's hand – which she noted was ice cold – and turned towards the door, giving John the option of willingly going with her or forcing her to try and drag him through the door. Much to Elizabeth's gratitude John more or less went willingly.

"What has gotten into you, John?" Elizabeth demanded once they'd stepped inside John's quarters and the doors had shut. John just stood there silently he wasn't sure why exactly he was being this way and to be honest he didn't really care, he just wanted to be left alone.

Realizing she wasn't about to get an answer Elizabeth sighed and once again took John's hand, this time dragging him into his little bathroom, grabbing the t-shirt and the pair of sweats that were lying on John's bed as they went.

Once in the bathroom Elizabeth immediately set to the task of pulling all of John's wet clothes off. She wasn't as embarrassed or as uncomfortable doing that as she thought she might have been, but then again her and John's relationship went beyond just friendship, it wasn't anything romantic really, but just calling it a friendship just didn't quite seem to cover it. John stayed silent and still as Elizabeth used a towel to dry him off and then dress him in the sweats and shirt.

Done with that Elizabeth started to pull John out of the bathroom and towards his bed, but this time John was having none of that and pulled his hand away from her, folding his arms across his chest.

"John please." Elizabeth looked John straight in the eyes begging him to cooperate with her and took his hand yet again. This time John didn't resist and followed Elizabeth to his bed, where she promptly pushed him down onto it and covered him with the blankets that had been thrown down to the foot of the bed.

After she had John situated Elizabeth quickly rummaged through John's drawers and found another pair of sweats and a shirt. Disappearing back into the bathroom, but only shutting the door half way so she could hear if John tried leaving, Elizabeth hurriedly striped of her own wet clothes, dried off and changed into the clothes she'd taken from John. The clothes were a few sizes too big for her but they were better than her soaked clothes and there was no way in hell she was leaving John alone long enough for her to run to her quarters to get some dry clothes of her own.

Poking her head out of the bathroom Elizabeth guessed that John had fallen asleep since his eyes were closed, but she wasn't completely positive he had. Standing in the bathroom doorway Elizabeth used her radio to contact Kate and let her know she'd found their AWOL major.

"Kate." Elizabeth spoke softly so as not to disturb John if he really was sleeping.

"Elizabeth did you find him?" Kate responded almost instantly. She'd spent just as much time looking for John as Elizabeth had and was beginning to get really worried when he hadn't turned up yet.

"Yeah we're in his quarters now."

"I'll be right there."

"We'll be here…oh and can you grab Carson on your way here?"

"Carson?"

"Yeah I found John outside in the rain and by the looks of it he was there for a while."

"Right Carson got it."

Finished talking with Kate, Elizabeth moved away from the bathroom and sat down on the bed next to John. John, not acknowledging anything, felt Elizabeth sit down next to him since he hadn't been asleep; he was never going to sleep again if he had anything to say about it.

"I thought I told you to go away?" John didn't open his eyes when he felt Elizabeth rest her hand against his cheek, he didn't have the energy or drive to force them open to look at her.

"Carson and Kate are on their way here."

"You can take them with you when you leave."

"I'm not going anywhere until I know you're ok."

"I'm fine, now go away." John was sure he'd never been less fine in his life…well actually he had once in his life…John ruthlessly squashed that memory before it could fully surface. He didn't want to think about the family he'd barely even known or the things he'd never gotten to experience with them.

* * *

It only took Carson and Kate about five minuets to get to John's quarters. Once there Carson started looking John over right away while Kate pulled Elizabeth off to the side to get the full story about what had happened. 

"John." Carson gently sat down on the edge of the bed placing his hand on John's forehead checking for fever. "It's Carson I'm just making sure you're ok, so lay still for a second would ya?"

John didn't bother responding, it wasn't like he was going to be able to go anywhere anyway. Keeping his eyes shut John completely ignored Carson while he took his temperature and blood pressure. Feeling the cold stethoscope on his chest was a little harder to ignore and John flinched slightly but other than that didn't react to Carson's presence at all.

"Take a deep breath John."

"No, now leave me the hell alone before I deck you." John wasn't sure if it'd be easier to get rid of Carson with words or just to do what he asked and deciding took too much energy so John just reacted out of instinct at that point.

"Elizabeth's worried about you."

"She's got more important things to worry about than me. Tell her to go away, better yet why don't you leave and take her and Kate with you."

"I'm afraid that's not going to be happening anytime soon. Now sit tight while I go have a chat with Kate and Elizabeth."

Watching Carson stand up and walk towards them both Kate and Elizabeth took a step in his direction, anxious to hear what he had to say.

"And the verdict is?" Kate questioned.

"He's not sick, physically he's fine, but if he was out in the rain for as long as we think he was that could change. I'd suggest keeping him in bed for a few days just to be on the safe side."

"Did he say anything to you?" Elizabeth asked. She wasn't used to John being so quiet and still it was really starting to scare her.

"He threatened to hit me if I didn't leave him alone, but other than that he just basically told me to go away."

"So what do we do now?"

"We have a few options, but for now I agree with Carson we let John get some bed rest for a few days and keep an eye on him to make sure he doesn't get sick and then go from there. But I don't want him left alone, whether it's one of us, a team member, or just somebody randomly grabbed from around the city I want someone with him at all times." Kate voiced her opinion.

"That sounds like a plan. But if you'll excuse me, as much as I want to stick around and do what I can to help there are some things in the infirmary I have to get done. I'll be by later tonight to check on him again." With that Carson left the room, but not before throwing a worried look in John's direction.

"I'll stay here if you want to go get changed and finish up any work you didn't get done this morning." Kate offered, pointing at the clothes Elizabeth was wearing.

"What? Mine were soaked and there was no way I was leaving John alone long enough for me to go get some of my own." Elizabeth shrugged dejectedly as she stepped out the door to run to her quarters to change really quickly then come right back.

John heard the three doctors standing over by the door quietly whispering to each other no doubt talking about him but he didn't care. Hearing the door open then close a couple of times John thought that maybe the three had finally gotten the hint and left him alone. But after a moment John felt someone sit down on the edge of the bed and gently place a hand – a female hand, definitely not Carson then – on his shoulder.

"John I know you may not believe it right now but there are people who care about you and want to help you any way they can." Kate spoke softly. John didn't respond but Kate knew he could hear her, of course that didn't mean he was going to listen.

_Please don't think I'm crazy  
I don't want you to understand  
My mind is growing hazy  
To heck with your helping hand  
Why don't you just leave me alone  
This conflict is my own_

"I Want To Be Alone"  
GREEN DAY


	5. Don't Go

_When you lose a part of your self  
To somebody you know  
It takes a lot to let go  
Every breath that you remember  
Pictures fade away but memory is forever_

"Sonny"  
NEW FOUND GLORY

The first few days after Elizabeth had found John out in the rain had been rough. It was an all out war trying to get John to do anything. Elizabeth had done a lot of threatening those first few days. She'd threatened to have John confined to the infirmary hooked up to an IV if he didn't eat. She'd even threatened to have Rodney come give him a sponge bath if he didn't get out of bed and shower. John reluctantly did as he was told simply because if he was in the infirmary then he'd never be left alone and there was no way in _hell_ he was letting Rodney anywhere near him with a sponge.

Elizabeth tried not to take anything John did or said personally – she had volunteered to watch him the majority of the time – but it wasn't always easy. A few times she'd felt like crying and just giving up, but refused to give into John's depression, which threatened to engulf her at times.

By the end of the first week John was sick and tired of being bullied around. He just wanted to be left alone and couldn't understand why the others refused to give him that. After once again being bullied into something he didn't want to do John finally snapped back, vocally and physically displaying his anger at being bullied. It hadn't been much just a cup thrown against the wall and a few choice words yelled, but it'd been the first emotion of any kind he'd shown in a week.

Kate who happened to have been the one with John when he'd had his little outburst hadn't been hurt by or taken offense to the things John had said – particularly the things about her parentage – but instead had seen it as a good sign. Kate had been so pleased by the outburst that John had gotten so fed up with being around her that he'd forced himself out of bed and with his blanket around him retreated into the bathroom. Unfortunately he couldn't close the door like he'd wanted to they'd some how found a way to rig the door so that it wouldn't close all the way, but at least it offered him some sense of aloneness.

Normally Kate would have gone after John, but she decided that this one time she'd let him have his way. It wasn't like there was anything in there he could hurt himself with any way.

* * *

"John?" Someone calling his name and the feel of someone's hand on his shoulder woke John up. 

Opening his eyes John was greeted with Carson's face in front of his. Waking up a little more John, with a serious crick in his neck, realized he'd fallen asleep on his bathroom floor leaning against one of the walls.

"Go away." John demanded he wasn't in the mood to be poked and prodded. Carson ignored John, sticking a thermometer in John's mouth.

"How're you feeling?"

"Peachy. Go away."

John didn't seem very peachy as far as Carson was concerned. John's temperature was slightly higher than Carson preferred and he sounded a bit congested.

"Any headaches?"

"Just you, Kate, and Elizabeth." John sighed seeing the un-amused look on Carson's face. "Fine. No, no headaches."

"Any coughing, sore throat, or dizziness?"

"No, no, and no. Now leave me alone." Not wanting to deal with Carson any more John closed his eyes again.

"Oh no you don't, there is no way I'm letting you sleep here. Come on let's get you back in bed." Carson pulled John up to his feet and ushered out of the bathroom and into his bed.

After Carson made sure John was covered up warmly and drank a cup of water John, much to his annoyance, feel asleep again. The last thing John remembered before falling asleep was thinking that Carson had to be drugging his food and water, he couldn't remember ever having slept so much.

* * *

The next time John woke up it was in the middle of the night after a particularly bad dream. He'd been coming out of the bathroom after getting a drink of water when he noticed Elizabeth sleeping in the small chair someone had dragged into his room, her head resting against the wall. John stood in the bathroom doorway for a minute just watching her sleep. Even from across the room he could tell Elizabeth was worn out and that it was his fault, making him feel guilty, which only added to his depression. Quietly walking over to his bed John pulled his blankets off, walked over to Elizabeth and gently, so as not to wake her, covered her with them. He knew that if she was a wake she'd want to talk about what was going on, he just wasn't ready to face any of it yet. 

The next morning when Elizabeth woke up she was surprised to find that someone had covered her with some blankets some time during the night. It didn't take her long to figure out whom, looking in the direction of John's bed Elizabeth noted that he was sleeping without any blankets. It made her smile slightly that John would be considerate enough to give up his blankets to her.

Bringing the blankets with her and gently placing them over John, Elizabeth sat on the edge of the bed softly resting her hand against John's face pretending to check for fever, but really because she needed the physical connection to prove that he was real, that he was still there. John's eyes slowly drifted open when he felt a hand on his cheek.

"Liz?" John, eyes closing again, mumbled not completely awake. He wasn't sure if she was really there or if he was just dreaming. Elizabeth could tell he was still tired; John only ever called her Liz when he was tired and not quiet awake.

"Yeah I'm here John." Elizabeth soothingly ran her hand through John's hair. Elizabeth sat there silently watching John sleep. After a moment John spoke up again.

"Hey…Liz?" John's eyes were still closed.

"Yeah."

"Do you think maybe…you know if you don't have anything more important to do…you could maybe stick around for a while and read?"

John's question caused Elizabeth to look at the book sitting on John's nightstand. Since John never seemed to have time to read it Elizabeth had swiped his copy of War and Peace a while back and started reading it herself. She knew he wasn't asking her to read to him – although she did have a tendency to sometimes read out loud to fill the silence that almost always seemed to fill the room – he just wanted some company, which Elizabeth was more than willing to give.

Grabbing the book off the nightstand Elizabeth situated herself on the bed, back propped up against a couple of pillows, feet stretched out on the bed, and started reading. Shortly after, John rolled onto his side and draped his arm over Elizabeth's waist. Elizabeth was slightly startled at first then realized that John was asleep and probably didn't even realize she was there or let alone he had his arm around her. Not really being bothered by it Elizabeth didn't try to move his arm just sat back and read her book.

* * *

"What are you doing Johnny?" 

John cursing whatever it was that Carson had given him – and he was positive Carson had slipped him something – had spent the rest of the day slipping in and out of sleep and it was know once again nighttime. Turning his head towards the sound of the voice John found himself staring at the image of someone he hadn't seen since he was ten; his sister, Casey. But for some reason he didn't seem to question her standing in his quarters looking down at him.

"Just laying here…thinking about who I'm gonna lose next that I care about."

"You don't mean that." Casey sat next to John on the bed.

"Sure I do. I mean why not? That's the way it all ways works out in the end. Everyone that I ever care about leaves in one way or another." John figured what the hell he could talk about it with Casey, seeing as how she wasn't really there just a figment of his imagination.

"You're worrying and hurting Elizabeth you know that right?"

"Elizabeth has more important things to worry about than me and she's tough she'll get through."

"Not as much as you might think. If you're not careful you're going to lose her, lose all of them…unless that's what you're trying to do." When John didn't deny or confirm her statement Casey got a look of comprehension on her face. "That is what you're trying to do, so that you don't have to face the fear of losing them. Well you stupid idiot congratulations it's working. But ask yourself this: what are you going to do when they all stop trying…_she_ stops trying?"

John abruptly woke up and shot straight up in bed, looking at the edge of his bed John found it empty. He could have sworn that Casey had really been there; she'd seemed so real. John sat there breathing heavily thinking about the conversation he'd had, was he really trying to push everyone especially Elizabeth away? Hurting her was the last thing he'd planed to do and when the hell had the plan to push her away come up any way? Was he just pushing her away so that he didn't have to fear getting hurt?

Noticing Elizabeth wasn't there like he remembered the last time he'd woken up John feared that she'd already left him, that it was to late to stop her. Hurriedly tossing his blanket off John rolled out of bed and stumbled out his door, not seeing or caring about the dozing Kate, sat in the chair in the corner. Hearing something hit the ground woke Kate up just in time for her to see John go flying out the door. Cursing herself for having fallen asleep Kate quickly went in pursuit.

* * *

Arriving at Elizabeth's quarters – one corridor over from his – John didn't bother asking permission to enter he just used his ATA gene and opened the door. The relief John felt when he saw Elizabeth lying in her bed sleeping nearly overwhelmed him. Quickly entering the room John made his way over to the bed and sat down just watching for a moment before reaching out a shaking hand and touching Elizabeth's cheek making sure that she was really there. The unfamiliar contact caused Elizabeth's eyes to fly open and sit up in alarm. 

"John what're you doing here?" Elizabeth questioned worriedly when she finally recognized whom it was sitting on her bed. The frightened lost look in John's eyes nearly broke Elizabeth's heart.

"I…I… …don't go." John whispered softly tears welling up in his eyes when he thought about how close he'd come to making the stupidest mistake of his life.

"John…?" Elizabeth couldn't remember having ever seen anyone look so scared and lost before in her life. Instinctively Elizabeth gathered John in her arms pulling him close, as his tears began falling. "Talk to me John. Please tell me what's wrong."

Unable to catch his breath in anything other than stuttering gasps John didn't say anything just sat there holding on to Elizabeth for dear life.

"I'm sorry…" John managed after a moment. Elizabeth didn't know what John was sorry for, but at that moment she didn't really care she just held him as tight as she could, reassuring him that she was there and not going anywhere.

That's how Kate found the two minutes later. Seeing that something important was happening Kate quietly back out of the room leaving the two alone, hoping that maybe John would finally open up and tell what was going on.

It hurt Elizabeth to see John this way, clutching to her like a scared child after a bad nightmare. Pulling away one arm long enough to throw back her covers Elizabeth guided John down on to the bed then pulled the covers back up over both of them. Holding him tight Elizabeth didn't ask any more questions just whispered soothingly as he sobbed after awhile both John and Elizabeth fell asleep.

* * *

Waking up the next morning John found that he was alone in bed. Feeling panic seizing him and fearing that Elizabeth really had left for good, John, tangled up in the blankets, tried bolting from the bed and ended up hitting the floor. 

"Elizabeth?" John fought himself free of the blankets and vaulted to his feet almost plowing Elizabeth, who'd just come out of the bathroom to see what was wrong, over. Relief washing over him that she was still there John pulled Elizabeth into a tight embrace.

"God I thought you'd left." John murmured into Elizabeth's shoulder.

"Easy John it's ok I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere." Elizabeth held John closely, not sure what had John reacting like this. "I'm not going anywhere. I promised to help get you through this and that's exactly what I'm going to do." Elizabeth reassured John, thinking he was afraid she'd given up on him. Gently taking John's face in her hands Elizabeth looked him straight in the eyes. "I promise with everything I am that I am _not_ going anywhere ever. I will be right here the whole time you need me."

John nodded his head and Elizabeth took his hand leading him over to the bed to sit down. Getting them comfortable Elizabeth pulled on of her lighter blankets over John and soothed him back to sleep. Just before falling asleep John reached up and captured Elizabeth's lips in a gentle caring kiss then settled back down to sleep.

The unexpectedness of John's kiss left Elizabeth a bit shocked and by the time she'd recovered John was asleep again. Elizabeth wasn't complaining the kiss had been nice and she'd be lying to herself if she said the thought of the two of them together hadn't crossed her mind, but was now a good time to start exploring that possibility?

* * *

"She would have been 26." John's softly spoke statement startled Elizabeth slightly. It'd been a few hours since either of them had spoken and she'd thought John was asleep. 

"Who?" Elizabeth was curious about who John was talking about.

"My sister Casey. I just realized today would have been her 26th birthday."

"Wanna tell me about it?"

It was a few moments before John spoke.

"You know the other day when you found me in the rain?" Elizabeth nodded her head yes. "Well I had a dream the night before…"

"A nightmare?"

"No. Well at least not in the typical sense of the word this was a good dream I guess you could say….I dreamt about my family only this time they didn't die. And in my dream I got to experience all the family things I missed out on, birthdays, holidays, first car, letting my parents meet my first girlfriend, getting to scare the crap out of my sister's boyfriends, all of those things. But then I woke up and I realized it was all just a lie that none of it was true, and it felt like I had lost them all over again for the first time."

"I'm so sorry you had to go through that pain. I wish there was something I could do to make it go away." Elizabeth tightened her hold on John trying to comfort him the best she could.

"Just being here with me and listening is good enough."

John started crying again and Elizabeth just sat there holding him whispering soothingly to him letting him know she was there that she'd always be there. John clung to Elizabeth taking the comfort and solace he never thought he'd find. After a long time sobs turned to sniffles but John and Elizabeth still held on to each other.

"Feeling better?" Elizabeth asked once John's sniffles had quieted down.

"Yeah, yeah I do." John sat up and looked Elizabeth straight in the eyes trying to figure out how to say what he wanted to say next. "Elizabeth do…do you…ever maybe think…that maybe…you and I… sometime down the road…could maybe ever..."

"John are you trying to ask if I think there could ever be anything between us?"

"Yeah because you know there was something else I dreamt about that night. I'd dreamt that you and I were married and even had the clichéd white picket fence and the two point five kids…and to be honest I kind of liked the idea of you and me like that. So if there was ever any chance…"

Cutting John off mid-sentence Elizabeth cupped one side of John's face in one of her hands and gently pulled him into a kiss similar to the one he'd given her earlier, seeing that as all the answer he needed. Breaking apart only long enough to take in a lung full of air John quickly pulled Elizabeth back in for another kiss this one deeper and more passionate filled.

* * *

Later that night while John was off hanging out with his team Elizabeth sat in her office finishing up some last minute paper work. Seeing the door open Kate walked in without knocking and sat across the desk from Elizabeth. 

"So are you going to tell me what the whole thing with John was about?" Kate got Elizabeth's attention.

"He'll tell you when he's ready, but I can honestly say that for the first time since this whole thing started he's gonna be just fine, everything is going to be fine." Elizabeth had never been surer of anything in her life.

_I'm sitting on the edge of the water  
contemplating my strange life  
The sun starts to fall into the ground  
A breeze picks up off the waves  
And everything is fine_

"Let Go"  
ADEMA


	6. And Baby Makes 4?

A/N: Aside from the fact that it takes nine month and mood swings and nausea are involved I know nothing about pregnancies and I'm too lazy to do any research so if anything is wrong I'm sorry.

* * *

_Well I just heard the news today  
It seems my life is going to change  
I closed my eyes, begin to pray  
Then tears of joy stream down my face_

"With Arms Wide Open"  
CREED

(Year later)

"You're pregnant."

"I'm what?" Elizabeth couldn't believe what she'd just heard Carson say.

Elizabeth had been feeling a little tired and nauseous lately but she'd just thought it was the flu or something; this had been the last thing she expected. But now that she thought about it all the signs had been there, the tiredness, the nausea, she'd even been having quite a few mood swings lately as well.

"Pregnant. About eight weeks by the looks of things." Carson wasn't surprised by Elizabeth's reaction, he'd been a little shocked himself when he's read the results.

"Wow." Elizabeth slumped a little in the chair she was sitting in, in Carson's office.

"Now I suggest you return to your quarters and get some rest. I want you to start taking it easy." Carson held up his hand stopping Elizabeth's protest. "I mean it, I'll talk to Peter personally if I have to as well as Major Sheppard when he returns."

John…. Elizabeth hadn't even thought about what she was going to tell John. They'd only been together for about a year and Elizabeth didn't even know how John felt about having children. In the beginning of their relationship both had been too preoccupied with getting John through a case of depression he'd fallen into. And over the last year they'd taken it slow not worrying about where the relationship might take them, but just enjoying the experience.

'Thankfully I have at least two weeks to figure it out.' Elizabeth thought to herself. John and his team had shipped out that morning on a two-week mission to lend a helping hand to one of their off world allies.

"Alright fine you win doctor, I'll try to take it easy."

* * *

It was two weeks later and Elizabeth still hadn't figured out how she was going to tell John about his impending fatherhood. On top of that her mood swings had seemed to get worse and were all over the place, one minuet she'd be fine then the next, for no real reason, she'd nearly be in tears or about ready to rip someone's head off – usually the latter. It hadn't taken long for people to figure out what was going on and to start walking on eggshells around her, which was beginning to drive her nuts. 

"Dr. Weir?" Peter cautiously stepped into Elizabeth's office a serious look on his face.

"What?" Elizabeth answered sharper than she normally would have, but at the moment she didn't really feel like being civil. She was tired, her lower back was killing her, and she missed John.

"Nothing really it's just that me and some of the others." Peter pointed towards the small group of technicians in the control room, all of whom were trying to look busy and failing miserably. "Were just wondering if we offered you a human sacrifice would that keep you from killing us?"

Elizabeth couldn't help it; the absurdness of the question and the dead serious way Peter said it, made Elizabeth laugh. Leave it to Peter to come up with a way to help improve her mood. He along with John seemed to be the only people in Atlantis that had a real talent for cheering her up.

"Depends, are you offering yourself up?"

"No, but we're always willing to throw up Kavanagh." Peter lost his serious look and grinned.

"Good because I'd really hate having to break in someone new after all the time I spent getting you broke in." Elizabeth could tell that Peter and the others weren't seriously bothered by her bad moods, but she still felt a little guilty about the way she'd been treating the control room staff, which always seemed to take the brunt of her bad moods. "If you wanna help you can bring me a pillow and some chocolate."

"That's it? You're saying if we'd gotten you those things a couple of weeks ago we could have had relative peace this whole time?"

"You misunderstand. Those are just _this mornings_ demands."

"Right. But still a small price to pay for peace."

Peter left the office to go find the things Elizabeth had asked for. Watching Peter leave Elizabeth shifted around in her seat attempting to find a comfortable position to try and easy some of the strain on her lower back.

'The military certainly didn't take into account that the someone sitting in these chairs might be pregnant.' Elizabeth thought.

Peter soon returned with the requested pillow and chocolate. Placing the pillow behind her back Elizabeth ate a bit of the chocolate before thanking Peter.

"Yes these will do lovely for now. Thank you Peter."

"No problem. If you need anything else you know where to find me."

* * *

Later that day the Stargate activated and AR-1 finally returned home. Everyone in the gate room let out a collective sigh as they all saw John alive and in one piece, one never knew what kind of trouble John Sheppard would get himself into even on the most simplest of missions. 

"Major Sheppard you have no idea how glad we all are to have you back." Peter greeted. While the chocolate and pillow had served to temper Elizabeth's mood it hadn't lasted long and she was soon back to being moody once again.

"Let me guess, Elizabeth's still being moody?" John responded to Peter's greeting. Peter nodded his head yes. "Where is she?"

"Infirmary…" Peter never had the chance to finish what he'd been saying. As soon as John heard the word infirmary he was out the door jogging towards the afore mentioned infirmary.

* * *

Entering the infirmary John immediately spotted Elizabeth sitting on one of the beds at the far end of the room talking with Carson, her back was to the door. Quickening his pace John was at her side in an instant. 

"Elizabeth?" John couldn't help the concern that slipped into his voice.

"John!" Elizabeth jumped slightly; she hadn't heard John enter the infirmary.

"Carson." John gave a small unsure node in greeting then turned back to Elizabeth. "Everything ok?"

"Fine, fine, but John we need to talk." John didn't like the sound of that. The 'we need to talk' line almost always led to something bad.

"I'll just…" Carson made a discrete exit leaving the two alone.

After Carson left the two alone they sat in silence for several minutes before John couldn't take it anymore.

"So you gonna tell me what's going on?"

"John I …I…I'm." Elizabeth started fidgeting a sure sign that she was nervous and not sure about something. "I'm pregnant."

"Pregnant…as in baby pregnant?" Elizabeth's statement floored John. He definitely hadn't been expecting to hear that. Shocked John sat down heavily on the bed next to Elizabeth.

"John?" Elizabeth wasn't sure what to make of the look on John's face. After a minute a huge grin broke out on John's face.

"I'm gonna be a daddy. This is great!" John pulled Elizabeth into a huge hug and gave her a breath-taking kiss.

"So you're ok with this?" Elizabeth questioned when they finally broke apart for air.

"Of course I am, but don't scare me like that again I'd thought there was something wrong with you."

"I'm sorry. I just wasn't sure how you'd react."

Before John could reply the rest of his team came walking into the infirmary drawing Carson's attention from his office. Figuring it was safe to come out Carson followed the group over to where John and Elizabeth were sitting.

"So good news I take it?" Rodney spoke when he saw the partially dazed look on John's face.

"Yeah spill it already what's going on." Aiden added.

John didn't answer he was too busy thinking about all the ways his life had just changed in the last five minutes. Elizabeth's news had finally had a chance to sink in and a number of emotions flooded through John all at once until he finally settled on terror. He was terrified at all the possibilities his up coming fatherhood meant, hundreds of 'what ifs' started flying through his head.

"John?" Elizabeth was a little worried about John's sudden quietness. Looking into his eyes she saw all the different emotions run through them. Turning back to look at Carson she spoke. "I think the magnitude of the situation has finally sunk in."

"What situation?" Teyla asked.

"Yeah would somebody please tell us what the hell is going on?" Rodney could tell something big was going on. And seeing the silent communication going on between Elizabeth and Carson, he also knew they knew something he didn't, he hated it when someone knew something he didn't.

"I'm gonna be a daddy." John, still shocked, spoke softly a hint of awe and wonder in his voice. "I'm gonna be a daddy." John spoke louder, his terror being replaced with joy, this time a huge grin – huger than the one he'd had when Elizabeth first told him the news, which surprised Elizabeth – broke out on John's face as he stood up wrapped his arms around Elizabeth's waist and lifted her of the bed gently spinning her around.

"Whoa, no spinning the pregnant lady." Elizabeth, placing a hand over her stomach, jokingly swatted John's shoulder as he set her down and kissed her again.

"Wha…? Pregnant as in…"

"Baby Pregnant?" Aiden and Rodney both reacting similar to the way John had when he'd found out, sat down heavily on a near by bed.

Teyla and Carson didn't say anything just stood back and watched the various reactions their friends had to the news, there would be plenty of time for congratulations and what not later.

"Hey John…" Rodney quietly got John's attention by nudging him gently in the ribs with his elbow. "Aren't you forgetting something?"

"Uh…" John wasn't sure what Rodney was talking about until he saw him discretely pointing to his ring finger on his left hand. "Oh, oh! … Crap can't believe I almost forgot thanks Rodney."

Turning to Elizabeth, John reached into his pocket and pulled out a small bundle of cloth and took her left hand in his.

"Elizabeth as always your timing is impeccable." John began feeling slightly nervous. "And this wasn't exactly how I'd planed to do this. I was thinking more along the lines of a romantic dinner, some dancing, a moonlit walk along the beach…"

"John." Elizabeth interrupted John's rambling.

"Right anyway, Elizabeth would you do me the honor of becoming my wife." John unwrapped the bundle a cloth and pulled out the most beautiful ring Elizabeth had ever seen. John had picked it up on the planet he'd just gotten back from.

"Yes. God yes." Elizabeth wrapped her arms around John's neck and pulled him into a passionate breath-taking kiss. John couldn't believe it if someone had told him a few years ago that by his traveling to another galaxy he would find true love and happiness he would have laughed at them and called them nuts, but now he wasn't so sure that, that was such a nutty idea.

* * *

It had been about two and a half months since Elizabeth had found out she was pregnant and in that time everyone one had been very supportive of her, they'd catered to her every need, let her vent to them, complimented her, they'd all basically been treating her like royalty, but none as much as John, Rodney, Aiden, and Carson, and it was all beginning to drive her crazy. 

The four men treated her like she was made of glass and would brake because of the slightest thing. Sure it had been quite flattering and amusing for oh about an hour but then it just got down right annoying. Amusement had turned to annoyance, annoyance turned into frustration, and frustration had turned into wanting to throw every last one of the through an incoming wormhole. The constant hovering and never letting her do anything for herself was grating on her nerves. At least Teyla and the rest of the city had the decency to be supportive from a distance.

Walking into her office Elizabeth was dismayed but not surprised to find John sitting in her chair, Aiden sitting in one of the visitor chairs, and Rodney propped up against one side of her desk. It was the same thing every morning the three along with Carson if he wasn't busy in the infirmary would plant themselves in her office so that they could be on hand if she needed anything, anything at all.

Elizabeth sighed she'd really hoped that maybe this morning would be different and John would have gotten distracted and not been able to fill the others in on every little detail of her morning _before_ she even arrived in her office. It was routine that every morning while she got dressed and ready for her day John would meet up with the guys and fill them in on everything that had happened since they'd last seen her, they would then wait for her in her office – more like ambush – then all of them would head to the commissary for breakfast, the guys usually discussing some aspect of her pregnancy. But she'd had no such luck there they all were gathered in her office.

"Elizabeth." John greeted as he got out of her chair gently pushing her down into it and giving her a kiss on the cheek.

"So what'd Carson say?" Rodney spoke next.

That morning Elizabeth had been woken up by the feel of something pushing against her stomach at first she didn't realize what it was, but when she'd woken up more she realized it was the baby kicking for the first time. When She'd told John, he'd sat there for a good ten minutes with his hand and head resting on her stomach just so he could feel it to and then he'd personally escorted her to the infirmary to have Carson check and make sure everything was ok. He would have stayed there with her if Elizabeth hadn't threatened to have security throw him in the brig if he didn't stop hovering and give her some space.

"John we need to talk." Elizabeth ignored Rodney turning her attention to John.

'Uh oh the 'we need to talk' line again.' John thought as he sat next to Rodney.

"Don't worry every things fine. I promise every things fine." Elizabeth quickly reassured the three men seeing the worried looks settle on their faces. This wasn't exactly something she wanted to discuss with an audience but she knew there was no way she was going to get Aiden and Rodney out of her office so she just continued on. "Carson did an ultrasound and it turns out we're having…twins."

For several long seconds the guys didn't say anything just sat with their mouths open gapping and then all hell broke out. All three men almost at the same time rose from their seats and started running around like chickens with their heads cut off. All three of them were listing off all the new things they had to do and things they needed to get. They'd gone through this once before when they'd first found out Elizabeth was pregnant, but at the time they'd thought there'd only be one baby now they had to start all over preparing for two babies instead of one.

She was going to be more than glad when this whole thing was finally over with Elizabeth thought as she watched three of the most important people in life start panicking over whether or not they were going to have enough baby clothes and things like that. It wasn't that Elizabeth wasn't worried about these things, it was just that she knew that no matter what came up there were plenty of people around to help out. Heck she already had list a mile long of people more than willing to babysit and the kids weren't even born yet.

* * *

God Elizabeth was going to kill him when she woke up John thought as he sat by her bedside in the infirmary waiting for Carson to finish casting up his hand – Elizabeth hadn't been too happy about John missing the birth of their first baby and had _accidentally_ broke a bone or two in John's hand during the birth of their second baby. Of course leave it to Elizabeth to go into labor during his first mission off world in almost six months. 

He wouldn't even have been on the mission if it hadn't been for his ATA gene, but what appeared to be an Ancient out post had been found and Rodney had insisted John be the one to go and operate anything that required the gene because according to Rodney, John was the only one with a decent amount of control. So he'd went since he was only supposed to be gone for a day to a day and a half at the most and of course Elizabeth would choose that day to go into labor.

By the time John had gotten back to Atlantis Elizabeth had been in labor for over six hours and he had a beautiful baby girl, which was followed by a beautiful baby boy. Lucky for him Elizabeth had been so exhausted after a total of twelve hours in labor she'd fallen asleep soon after not getting the chance to chew him out for being late.

"John?" John heard Elizabeth softly whisper his name as she woke up a few hours later.

"Hey beautiful." John gently ran his uninjured hand through Elizabeth's hair while holding her hand with the other as best he could with a cast on it. Seeing the cast Elizabeth got a slightly confused look on her face until she remembered why exactly he had his hand in a cast.

"Sorry."

"What for this?" John indicated his hand. "Don't worry I've had worse.

"Still I'm sorry I didn't mean to I was just upset that you were late."

"Yeah well you can blame that on Rodney."

"How are our babies doing?"

"Carson says they're perfectly healthy."

Walking over to the basinet like thingies the babies were sleeping in John picked up Casey and handed her to her mother. Elizabeth had insisted on the name Casey stating that it just fit, but John knew it was because she was trying to honor his baby sister and he didn't mind one bit. After next picking up their son, Xander – Aiden had suggested that one said he remembered coming across it in the Ancient data base it apparently was the name of a well know and loved warrior that had once lived in the city – John sat down on the bed next to Elizabeth and just watched as two of the three most important people in his life slept.

"Thank you." John whispered placing a gentle kiss on Elizabeth's forehead and wrapping one arm around her shoulders.

"For what?" Elizabeth snuggled in closer to John.

"For not giving up on me when I gave you every reason to. For giving me something worth living for. For being my port in the storm, for helping me to stand tall and face my fears and most importantly for loving me enough to become my wife and give me the two most beautiful and perfect children any guy could ask for." When John was done talking he gave Elizabeth a gentle caring kiss then whispered for her to go back to sleep and that he'd be there when she woke up. And that's exactly what she did.

_You keep me standing tall  
You help me through it all  
I'm always strong when you're beside me  
I have always needed you  
I could never make it alone..._

"The Glory Of Love"  
NEW FOUND GLORY

* * *

A/N: Ok that's it for this story at least for now. I may do other stories about Casey and Xander and what their lives are like or something like that but I haven't come up with any definite ideas yet. 


End file.
